


Real or Not Real

by GentleGiant



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 04:43:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3236645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GentleGiant/pseuds/GentleGiant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas and Dean are living the perfect apple pie life, until one day Cas starts having nightmares and dark thoughts and no longer can tell between real and illusion. Then Sam shows up and Cas realizes whats going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Love You, Angel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Samalander45](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samalander45/gifts).



Cas rolled over in bed to see Dean clutching his pillow in a fit. Cas smiled his crooked smile and worked the thing out of his arms, quickly cuddling up to Dean in its place. Dean released a contented sigh and pulled Cas as close as physically possible. Cas relaxed and drifted off to sleep.

Next he knew, he was awake and cooking breakfast, Dean reclined on the sofa with a beer in one hand and a book in the other. Cas got lost in the simplicity of the moment, relishing in the warm feeling it brought to his chest. He silently wished he could sit back and watch Dean like this forever: relaxed, no worry on his face, no imposing doom and gloom, just lazying about with Cas and enjoying a normal life. But you know better, thought Cas, Somewhere out there, there are creatures and beings that threaten the human race, and Dean plays a cruci”al part in keeping them at bay. He’s not sure where the thoughts came from, and that scares him. A shiver works its way through him.

“What’s the matter Angel?” Dean asks, startling Cas. When did he walk over?

“I- It is nothing. Just an odd feeling.” Cas knows he’s lying to himself, and Dean must realize to, but says nothing. Instead, he pulls Cas in for a deep kiss. Cas is thankful for the distraction and before he realizes it the odd sensation and dark thoughts are gone, melted away with the heat of the kiss, nothing but a bad dream. Cas pulls back and smiles a genuine smile. “What was that for?” he asks.

“Mmmm. You know I can’t keep my hands off ya when you get that far off look in your eyes, and that ghost smile starts to appear.” Dean’s deep voice raises goose bumps on Cas’ arms. “Makes me just wanna kiss it right off your gorgeous face.” To prove his point, Dean hooks his fingers through the front loops of Cas’ jeans and pulls him close. Cas trails his hands up and over his toned arms, bringing them together to rest at the back of Dean’s neck and pulling him closer. Dean lets out a groan and tugs harder at the belt loops when Cas kisses him first, deepening the act and leading it to another, more passionate kiss. Cas kisses across Dean’s jawline and down his neck to rest his head on his shoulder.

“Dean,” whispers Cas, “oh, my Dean.” Dean senses the sad longing in his voice and breaks away to turn Cas’ face up to his and places a chaste kiss on his swollen lips.

“Why so sad, Angel?” Cas jumps at the sudden sound of Dean’s voice.

“I am not sad. Why would you think that I was?”

Dean chuckles, “I love you Cas. I can tell when you’re sad, I know you.”

Cas’ ghost smile shows up again. “Say it again.”

“I know you, babe.”

“You know what I mean, Dean.” Laughter returning to his voice.

“I love you, Cas. I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU.”

Cas breaks into a smile and a fit of laughter. “See? Not sad. I cannot possibly be sad with you in my life.” And with that, he leans up to continue their kiss.


	2. Another Nightmare

That night Cas went to bed with a heavy heart. While he wasn’t one hundred percent sure where the darkness was originating, he had a fairly good idea. One which he did not like one bit. Sleep eluded him for several hours, hours he spent running his hands through Dean’s sandy blonde hair, peppering his freckles with lazy kisses, listening to the steady beat of his heart. Finally he calmed enough to let sleep take him. Though it didn’t last long.

Nightmares swam through his mind, twisting dark tendrils around each dream, every happy memory, and constricted until they pulverized into nothing. His subconscious became a barren land littered with skeletons that appeared to range from recently deceased to millennium old. A harsh wind bellowed through, wailing a sad song as it passed. Cas looked around frantically for something to distinguish just where exactly he was. For miles all he could see were the bones rattling in the wind, clanking together in an ominous rhythm, but there in the distance he swore he saw someone standing. Alive. 

“Dean?” He called out in hope. With no reply he assumed he couldn’t be heard over the wind. “DEAN!” he tried again. This time the figure turned, and hope fluttered in Cas’ chest. “Dean!!” He started running towards the figure, ancient bones snapping beneath the weight of his feet. As he drew closer to the figure he realized it wasn’t in fact Dean, and began to slow. The figure was much too tall to be Dean, with broad shoulders and longer, brown hair. Quite the opposite of his Dean. The figure notices Cas’ hesitation and starts towards him, bringing a familiar face into clear focus.

“Cas?” A meer whisper that shouldn’t be heard over the wind, but is. “Castiel!” 

The man sounds panicked thinks Cas. As he should be. This place is a living nightmare. Realization hits Cas, He knows my name. And I believe I may recognize him. He starts toward the man again, slowly. “Sam?” The name tastes strange on his tongue, almost like wax.

A spark of life seems to ignite within the man at the sound of the name. I must be right thinks Cas. “Cas! It’s not real. You know it, and need fight it! Wake up, Cas!” 

And wake he does.


	3. An Unexpected Guest

“Cas… Cas?” The voice sounds mildly concerned, but why? “Cas, baby, you need to wake up. It was only a nightmare.” Dean. It’s Dean he’s hearing. Cas opens his eyes, and is immediately assaulted by the bright light Dean’s been waving in front of him in an attempt to rouse him. 

“Nnnngh… Dean, you may cease with the flashlight.” 

“Sorry, Angel. But you were thrashing around and I wasn’t sure how to wake you short of pouring ice water on ya. And I have to sleep in this bed too.” The fear was gone from Dean’s voice, replaced with the light humor it normally held.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t wake you did I?” Cas asked, fully aware that he knew he had.

“Nah. I have to get up for work in about ten minutes anyway. I just wanted to make sure you were ok before I got up.” 

“Mmmm… I’m much better now. Thank you.” Cas nuzzled into his loves chest, and Dean wrapped his arms around him and kissed his forehead.

“Do you want to talk about it? You haven’t had a nightmare in, well… ever.” Cas could hear the confusion and concern laced in those last to words. He looped his arms around Dean and squoze before he had too much time to think about it.

“I am fine, Dean. I promise.” He looked up and kissed him into submission. “Now go get ready for work, I wouldn’t want to be the reason you are late again. Bobby can only put up with so much of our lifestyle, I am sure.” 

“Ya, you’re probably right,” Dean kissed Cas again, “I love you.” He whispered, sounding vulnerable.

“I love you too, Dean.” With that, Dean smiled and got out of bed, stumbled into the bathroom to shower, and left Cas alone to analyze the nightmare.

 

***************************************************************************************

 

Cas spent most of the day alternating between baking pies and cleaning the house, repeatedly, to keep his mind occupied, not wanting to think of what the nightmare meant. Later that night, right on the dot as per usual, Dean walked through the door, was greeted by a kiss from Cas, and began helping him set the table for dinner. Just as they sat down to eat, the doorbell rang. They shared a startled look, both knowing that the only people who knew where they lived would have just walked in. Bobby was in back in North Dakota and Sam was off on a big case in Vermont. 

“I will get it.” Said Cas, laying his napkin next to his plate and pushing away from the table. He pulled open the door and was greeted by Sam.

“Cas! Thank God I finally found you!” Cas sighed and opened the door to let Sam in.

“Cas?” asked Dean, “Is that Sam? If so, tell him to get his moose ass in here and join us!”

“You heard him. I will go set another plate, please leave your shoes and coat at the door and join Dean in the dining room.” Sadness was evident in his voice, though Sam didn’t notice it.

“I- Okay.” Sam’s reluctance tells Cas that his suspicions of his arrival were correct. Pushing it aside for the moment, he treks into the kitchen and grabs the necessities for another setting and walks back into the dining room. 

“So, Sam, what brings you here?” Cas asks, giving Sam a look that he hopes he reads as ‘please don’t say anything stupid yet until I have a chance to explain.’

“Yeah Sammy! I thought you were in Vermont finishing that case until tomorrow?”

“I , uhmm, yeah no.. I uh, got done early and flew home. Figured I could finish the paperwork in the comfort of home.” Cas sighed at the explanation, relieve Sam had caught on.

“Does Gabriel know you’re back?” asked Dean, finally lifting a fork full of pasta to his mouth and stuffing it full.

“Gabriel?”

“Oh man, don’t tell me you came straight here? Gabe’s been nothing short of a love sick puppy waiting for you to get back. Been spending almost every day over here to keep distracted. Speaking of,” he glanced down at his watch, “he should be here any minute now.” 

Sam looked to Cas, but Cas was just as confused as he was. Almost as if by magic, the trio heard an obnoxious knock at the front door. 

“Ha! Speak of the devil.” Said dean as he went to open the door. “Hey there Gabe!”

“Hey-a Dean-o! What’s for dinner? I’m famished!” He smacked Dean’s ass and made way for the kitchen, only to stop dead in his tracks when he saw Sam.

“Samuel Winchester! What in your right mind made you come straight to Dean and Castiel’s before stopping by to your own home to see your husband?” Cas stared wide eyed at Sam, who spat his drink all over the table.

“Hu-husband?” his voice cracked.

“Yes, Sammich, husband. Who, by the way, hasn’t seen you in nearly two weeks!” Cas heard the pitch change in Gabriel’s voice, a sure sign that the emotion he was feeling was real. Sam looked back to Cas in a plea for help.

“Gabriel, why don’t we all sit and finish dinner. We can talk afterwards.” Cas reasoned, though he and Sam knew he was stalling.

“Come on, Gabe. Cas made a ton of pasta. Plenty for everyone, and later, Pie.” Dean pulled a chair next to Sam and sat Gabriel down in it, then went to take a seat next to Cas.

“There better be apple.” Mumbled Gabriel, and they all began eating while listening to Dean list off all the flavors of pie Cas had baked throughout the day.


	4. Reason

After dinner, Cas excused himself to wash the dishes and warm the pie up. He was in the plate. Sam managed to catch it before it clattered to the floor.

“Cas?” asked Sam as he cautioned handing the plate back to him. 

“Sorry. I was lost in thought and you startled me.” Cas took the plate and placed it with the rest in the cupboard. Turning to face Sam, Cas caught sight of Dean and Gabriel joking on the couch, and instead went to stand in the doorway and watch them.

*Sam*

Sam observed Cas as he went to watch Dean and Gabriel. He could see the admiration in his eyes that he held for Dean, as well as Gabriel. He loved them both, that was obvious, though in different ways. Sam didn’t want to ruin the illusion any more than Cas did, he loved seeing his big brother happy and care free, not having to worry about keeping everyone safe, no taking on all the responsibility, getting the life he’d longed for his whole life. Sam understood why Dean would be in Cas’ idea of a perfect life, but why Gabriel? And to be married to him? Cas had seemed just as confused as he had at the arrival of Gabriel and Dean’s welcoming attitude towards him.

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yes, Sam?” he answered without turning around.

“You know this isn’t real, right?” Sam was fully prepared to explain it all to Cas, even knock sense into if need be, but by the slump in his shoulders he knew he wouldn’t have to.

“Yes, I am aware of the falsehood that is this life. Unfortunately. Though, I must admit I am no longer sure as to the cause. I had originally presumed it was a pocket universe like those that Gabriel used to create for his ‘just desserts’, and figured I should just play along and I could get out. But then…” 

Sam knew. “You started to believe it.” Cas didn’t answer, which in itself was answer enough. “Cas, I don’t want to end this anymore than you do, but we need to get going.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re correct.” Cas finally turned to face him, “Sam, if this is not a pocket universe, what is it?”

“Ever hear of a Djinn? Well, Dean and I were in the middle of hunting one. We had it cornered and were about to kill it when you popped in with information on the Mark, right in between us and the Djinn. It saw an opportunity and took it, sending you into a comatose state. Dean, of course, ran to your side while I chased after it. But it managed to get away. When I got back you were out cold and Dean was trying to wake you up.”

“So if I’m still dreaming, I am dying, correct?”  
“Yeah, sorry. It’s taking a lot longer than normal, though. I figure that’s because your Grace has much more energy to feed on than the human mind.”

“Sam, exactly how are you in my dream?” 

“Right, well, when Dean couldn’t get you to wake up on your own, we moved you back to the bunker and started digging up info on Djinn. We found a spell that allowed someone awake to merge their subconscious with someone under the Djinn’s magic. Dean tried, but couldn’t get in, probably since you were already dreaming about him. So I tried, and success.”

“So you are why Gabriel is here.”


	5. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short, but it's something(: And I'm hoping this turns into something big in the long run, a few shorter chapters aren't that bad.

“Hey, now! Why do you assume I’m the reason Gabriel is here? You could have missed him, he’s your brother after all.” _Please please pleeease take that as an explanation…_ Sam willed Cas to believe that was the whole of it. He’d known since college that he was bisexual, though he hadn’t really had a ‘crush’ on a man in years. Until Gabriel. When they first met at the university, Sam had thought the short janitor was kinda cute, could even go as far as to say he had sex appeal. Sam openly flirted with him, hardcore, and he gave as much as he took. Sam had thought about going back to ask him out after the case was over, then everything went sour. The janitor turned out to be the Trickster, who they of course ganked, but didn’t really. Sam was forced to live a hundred Tuesdays of Dean dying, they were thrown in TV Land where his genitals seemed to be the center of attention, the Trickster turned out to be the archangel Gabriel who was an even bigger dick as such. Even so, Sam had woken in the crappy motels to sweaty dreams of the short man: janitor, trickster, and angel alike.

It aggravated him. Ever since Jess, the only people he seemed to fall for were either supernatural beings or women he knew he would never see again. So of course he would find he had feelings for a snarky archangel who got his rocks off by serving people their just desserts. Typical Sam Winchester. While he was sure Dean suspected something by the way he acted whenever Gabriel was brought up in conversation, he thankfully didn’t mention it. That was all fine and dandy considering Sam wasn’t going to actively search out some semblance of a relationship with an enemy, then Gabriel pledged allegiance to Team Free Will. Sam realized there was good in Gabriel, even started referring to him as Gabe in his own thoughts, and the feelings started anew. Gabriel bantered with Sam a few times, which didn’t help, till he ultimately sacrificed himself in order to save Sam and Dean at Elysian Fields. Sam began pushing the dreams and feelings as deep as he could into his subconscious, almost eliminating them completely, until now.

“Sam.” Cas’ rough voice brought Sam from his past, and the memories along with.

“I- Cas, I can’t talk about it. Can we just leave?” he asked somberly. Cas turned back to look at Dean, wishing he could stay but knowing he couldn’t. Sam felt the same, but at least he hadn’t been living this life for who knows how long. He could go before he had a chance to live it, Cas wasn’t so lucky. “I know it’s hard, bud. But we got to go. If you stay here, you die. Dean will kill me if that happens. Then no one wins.”

“Okay.” A simple word, yet it held so many emotions. “How?”


	6. Real

Cas forced himself to say it, forced himself to push down the pain, forced himself to want to go back. “Okay. How?”

“Grab my hand, that way I’ll get out with you, and focus on something out there that you know is real that you want to get back to. I know there’s not much in our crap-fest of a life, but you just need to find one thing, even just a memory of something real.”

Cas knew in an instant what he would focus on. He turned back for one last look at this version of Dean, the one he so desperately wanted. He felt Sam come up behind him, could practically feel him longing for Gabriel. He reached back, took Sam’s hand, and focused. He watched this Dean converse with Gabriel like they were the oldest of friends, then focused solely on Dean while everything faded from view. He looked at the details in his face, seeing the freckles splashed across unmarred skin. He saw the way the neatly pressed suit clung to his muscles, defining the hardworking man beneath the fabric. He watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he laughed at Gabriel’s joke. As he compared this Dean to the real Dean, he took a deep breath watched as this Dean’s features morphed and faded into slightly different details that most wouldn’t even notice. His suit became layer upon layer of clothing, sleeves rolled up revealing the Mark on the right and twenty plus parallel scars on the left. His throat constricted as his jaw set in a prevailing frown. The freckles on his face dimmed as the light and joy in his eyes was chased away by self-loathing and darkness. A single tear fell from Cas’ eye as he closed them and whispered, “Dean.” The pain in his heart grew as he felt his Grace expand to encase himself and Sam, pulling them out into the real world. 

He opened his eyes to see Dean leaning over him, concern almost dominating the darkness in his eyes. “Cas! You ok?”

Cas barely managed to get out a mumbled, “Yes.” Before he fell into oblivion.

*********************************************************************************************************************************************

 

When Cas woke almost 31 hours later, it was to a very protective arm tightening around his waist. At first Cas thought he was still in the Dream world, curled in bed with Dean by his side. But as he wiped the sleep from his eyes, he saw the room come onto focus. Other than a multitude of guns, knives, swords, and other weapons displayed on nearly every inch of space, the room was empty. Void of any and all emotion and personality, save for a few old photographs tucked away under an old book. Cas jolted up as he realized he was in Dean’s room at the Bunker, which meant it was almost undoubtedly Dean’s arm around his waist. 

“Cas?” confirmation that it was indeed Dean lying next to him. “You finally awake?”

“Yes, appears so. What happened to me? Angels do not require sleep.” 

“Sammy figures that your Grace needed come R and R, said all he saw was a blinding light come from in you before you were both zapped back.” 

“And he is not blind?”  
“Nah, was either quick enough closing his eyes, or Grace works differently in Djinn dreamland.”

Cas realized Dean still had his arm around him. “Uh, Dean? Why are you lying in the bed with your arm around me?”

Dean flustered, pulling his arm into himself. “I- uh… after you passed out, I got you in the Impala, we drove back to the bunker, I carried you into the bunker. I wasn’t in the mood for cleaning up another bedroom so I figured I’d lay you in here and I’d crash on the couch. But you pulled me down to the bed with you and refused to let me up. And I gotta tell ya man, for a depleted Grace, you sure are strong. As for my arm around you, you wouldn’t stop shivering until I piled the blankets on us and practically spooned you.” Cas watched the blush rise to his cheeks. “But now that you’re awake, I’m gonna go fetch us some grub.” 

He was gone, leaving a familiar ache within Cas.


	7. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam remembers Gabriel

Chapter Seven- Sam

Sam made for his room the second they pulled up to the bunker, keeping his cool up until he heard his door latch. He leaned against the cool door and sunk to the floor, pulling his knees into is chest, allowing his façade melt away, and let the tears roll. He had refused to show any major form of emotion for the trickster after he had died, knew it would do no good for his already unstable mental health, and he was a Winchester-pros at locking away their feelings. 

He had expected to see Dean in Cas’ dreamland, but he was completely caught off guard when Gabriel had shown up. He and Dean had briefly skimmed for side effects of meshing with someone’s mind while under a Djinn’s spell, and nothing about your own desires coming to fruition was mentioned. So he didn’t really blame himself for being baffled when Gabriel had shown up at the door, and Dean taking it in stride. What he did blame himself for was letting it distract him, and Cas figuring it out before he could convince him to get them out. Now Cas knew his secret, and was sure to come questioning him the moment he was awake and feeling better.

Sam lifted his head enough to wipe away his tears then cradled it in his hands. It had been years since he’d let himself think about Gabriel, having no control over his dreams, and he’d forgotten just how much it hurt. The tight tug in his chest that made it incredibly difficult to breathe, the waves of dark depression that washes over him every couple of sobs, the dry itchiness in his eyes when his tears had run out, and most of all, the lonely oblivion that enshrouded him in what he should’ve consider his home. He hated that feeling most of all. He had Dean back, Cas was around more, they had seen Charlie every now and again since she was back from Oz, he shouldn’t feel lonely. But he did. He wanted exactly what Cas wanted with Dean: the house, the jobs, the playful banter, the security, the love. God he wanted the love. At least Cas had a chance. He saw the way Dean sometimes looked at him when he thought no one was looking, like he was in the presence of his hopes and dreams. 

Sam knew he would regret it tomorrow, but as he crawled over to his bed and climbed in to lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling, he dug out his memories of Gabriel. He started with his face, his mouth in particular. He loved the way it was almost always turned up in that knowing smirk, like he knew all the secrets to the universe. Though with his age, he probably did. He pictured him laughing at one of his practical jokes, the smile tugging at his eyes. His eyes resembling molten pools of whiskey, eyes that were so deep you could lose yourself in the swirling colors, eyes that lit up with the joy he found in embarrassing others. He remembered the first time he had seen those eyes his brain had temporarily forgotten how to function and he’s began stuttering when questioning him at the university. Sam smiled at that memory. It seemed so long ago, yet like it was just yesterday.

Sam pushed the memories back into their corner room and locked them away again. He knew they would probably surface in his dreams, but to what extent was unknown. After a few hours of forcing his thoughts onto anything but Gabe, he finally fell asleep. And dream he did.


End file.
